The Cynical Philosopher - -

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The Cynical Philosopher - -

Postby Bitter End » Sat Apr 25, 2020 10:04 am

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.... Not trying to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!!

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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

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Money talks, but all mine ever says is good-bye.

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You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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I always wondered what the job application is like in Soho Clubs . Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to mis-read social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

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My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

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Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

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The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

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The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

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Twice through the eye o' the sun to lift it.
Bitter End
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