The Kintyre Forum

Somebody told me today that the North and South extremities of the Earth are no longer to be called the "poles" because all the Poles have moved to Britain.

The story is allegedly true. The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)



AD 'You say you went to your friends house that night. Why did you
go?there?'

WITNESS 'Tae get a tap.'
AD 'Is your friend a plumber?'

WITNESS 'Naw.'
AD 'Are you a plumber?'

WITNESS 'Naw.'

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.
Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

AD 'So you went to the house to borrow money?'

WITNESS 'Naw.'

AD 'Ah. You went to the house to lend money?'
WITNESS 'Naw.'

In exasperation the AD says,
'You told the court you went to your
friend's? house for a tap.
What kind of a tap was it?'.





WITNESS .......'A Sellick tap.'

I saw a guy in a tracksuit carrying a big, long stick on his shoulder. I asked "Are you a pole vaulter?" He said "Nein, I am German.....but how
did you know my name?"