The Kintyre Forum

Matron is doing the rounds.Walks in to a ward and hears screams of pain coming from a curtained off bed.
She peers inside to see a nurse bending over a male patient who is in extreme pain and clutching his nether regions.There is hot water all over the place."Nurse!You have mis-heard me,I distinctly told you to prick his boil!

Reminds me of the story about the man lying on the trolley in the corridor waiting to be taken back to his ward. He had the oxygen mask on his face and his hospital gown on. He grabs the young nurse as she walks past and mumbles to her "are my testicles black?"

The young nurse pulls back the sheet, lifts up his gown, has a good rumble around his crown jewels inspecting them all over, and then replies "No, they look to be OK to me"

At this point the startled looking man removes the oxygen mask from his face and utters "I said...... are my TEST RESULTS BACK!"

Chap goes in to hospital for circumcision.Surgeon mis-reads the notes and castrates him.
Realising his mistake he instructs a nurse to go to the canteen and bring back two large pickled onions.
The surgeon duly sews the pickles in and the patient makes a complete recovery.
The patient goes back for a check-up after 2 weeks and the surgeon asks him if all is O.K.
The patient replies,"Fine thank you,apart from one side effect,every time I see a cheese sandwich,I get an erection."

The guy who got run over with steam road roller - he is in wards - Six Seven and Eight.

Up date on the road roller accident.The guy has now been released from hospital.He was taken home in an ambulance(stretch limo actually).There was no-one at home so they slid him under the door.

There's been an accident on the Kingston Bridge Glasgow, between a Group- 4 prisoner van, and a cement mixer.
The police are looking for Six hardened criminals.

A guy lying in the street
"call me an ambulance"
ambulance

Doctor Doctor - people keep ignoring me
next please

Doctor Doctor
I think I'm a pair of curtains
pull yourself together man

Knock knock
who's there
Nicolas
Nicolas who
Nicolas lassies shouldnae climb trees

A man has been suffering from really terrible headaches.
He goes to see his doctor, who tells him that he has to have a castration.
The doctor explains that his penile nerves are creating pressure on his spine and that's what's causing his blinding headaches.
The poor man is devastated but he can't live with these headaches, and has the surgery that day.
A couple of days later, he decides to celebrate life without headaches by going to get some new clothes.
He walks into a tailor's and says, "I need a whole new wardrobe."
The tailor says, "44 Regular Jacket, right?" The man says, "yes."
"34 Medium trousers?" "Right"
"16 collar Shirt?" "Fantastic!", says the man.
The tailor says, "And you have 34 inch undershorts." The man says, "No, I wear 32."
The tailor says, "That can't be, 32 inch undershorts would place tremendous pressure on your spine and cause blinding headaches."

"Doctor,I keep thinking that I am a billiard ball."


"Get to the back of the cue."