Carradale

[Right Pongal]

Hi you guys, I had occassion again to visit your wonderful village during the week, and apparently the strips are so sought after that they have had to resort to putting barcodes on labels. One strip was allegedly being fielded by another team and the local constabulary were called to assist in bringing the perpetrator to justice.

It was also noted that the trawling industry wasn't fairing any better in these painful times, with unique serial numbers now having to be printed on the backs of all the scallops and langoustines, in an effort to ensure that the vessel responsible for trawling them actually gets paid.

You would honestly have thought that there would have been honour amongst theives.

Dear Dear Whups and Bangles, you shouldna pay too much attention to what's being said in the Glen. Most have been consuming damn all but dirty pints all day and are capable of saying anything. Did you naw read about thon cheese cutter fella that sent the Courier a photo of a big cat on the golf course? Unfortunately for the paper editor in Oban, he never noticed Balloo the bear dancing at the back of Shore's hoose and Greyfriar's Bobby sitting at the head of the grave on the edge of the eighth fairway. I also thought that I'd spotted the Lion from the wizard of oz, but it turned out to be the firemaster on greenkeeping duties. Ach well, I'd better get off to the scratcher as black Monday looms once more......

[dgraves]

Are the Bochans out tonight? Or are you just allowed out on Halloween

[Right Pongal]

Are the Bochans out tonight? Or are you just allowed out on Halloween

Word has it that the Bochan clan are indeed out tonight, but they are allegedly haunting the Capital City this fine autumn evening. However, the main Bochan has reluctantly confessed to being under the charge of Old Dr Snoddy.

He thought that he was queuing for the flu jab along with the last of the Mohichans in the surgery, but when he entered the consulting room, he was given a sharp blast of un-natural light. He has finely decided to share his diagnosis with a select few, but I just happened to overhear whilst harvesting some periwinkles at Port na Cuil that he has been diagnosed with DAGS (Doom & Gloom Syndrome), which was rife in the West side of the Carra in the 19th Century.

Morenish was also spotted at the in-house dispensary and true to form, just as he discreetly asked the receptionist for his repeat prescription, the Bochan roared: 'Don't tell me that you've finished all that Viagra already?' Needles to say, the Mohichans were all gong into keenks resulting in poor Morenish goose-stepping his way out the door to the sound of the Bochan yahoing: 'Looks like the first one's working already, you'd better away home on the tractor and don't forget to lock the back door.'

Anyway, with more milestones under his belt than the average 'traveller', word has it that the Bochan has just 'Crossed over the Equator'. It will be the bus pass next!

[dgraves]

you'd better away home on the tractor and don't forget to lock the back door.'

Poor Mr. Morenish..too late!

[Annie]

'Tis the season for the Bochan's to come out of hiding now that the nights are drawing in!

If ye see wan, RUN!!!!!!!

[morenish]

it's a damn lie!

see this place fur roomers?!?!?

i did have viagra last year for a tup that wisny sure which side o the fence he wis on, but it was vet strength stuff, "not for human consumption"
anyway the wee blue fellas are in short supply efter SNH buyin up a huge stock o them to feed to the stags on rhum for the bbc.

appart from the above ahm keepin quiet, till the bochan appologises for bein who he is.

[Bochan Mor]

it's a damn lie!

see this place fur roomers?!?!?

i did have viagra last year for a tup that wisny sure which side o the fence he wis on, but it was vet strength stuff, "not for human consumption"
anyway the wee blue fellas are in short supply efter SNH buyin up a huge stock o them to feed to the stags on rhum for the bbc.

appart from the above ahm keepin quiet, till the bochan appologises for bein who he is.

Here now Morenish, the only reason that you're keeping quiet is that there are some extra potatoes in the pot now for yerself and you have full of your mooth of them. Mrs Morenish was just asking if I could put a few extra mashes into your string vest, as it was swollen like the Silver Lining's cod end after 3 hours on the prairies of the E&F (I'm not sure what that is in decimal and that may have been my undoing). She mentioned that you have been parading around the house like a young tup since your last visit to Snoddy, and that she had to whack a couple of stobs through the mattress and run a bare wire to keep you on your own side of the mattress.

As for apologising for being who I am, you know what they say about 2 chances?

[Annie]

See what I mean about it being that time of the year for the Bochans to get up to mischief!!!!!!!!!!

[morenish]

thank goodness for our NATO forces, under the guise of "operation neptune warrior" naval forces from canada,germany,indeed most european countries, and up to 50 aircraft are now gaurding the distileries on the west coast of scotland to deny the bochans thier natural fuel.
the vast consumption rates needed to keep them in thier mischevious state is to be shut off by naval blockades and spotter aircraft will alert ground/sea forces, ferries are to be stopped, boarded and searched in case a dram slips through to fuel more cheek.
please help by locking up securely any liquer in your posesion and hide the key, in the event of you not having a secure area throw a rope over a high branch,put all strong drink in a stout sack and hoist it up as high as possible, failing that bring it to my steading for safe disposal.
after the 31st of this month things should settle down and we can all enjoy a dram again without fear of having it snatched from our hands by those barbary ap...bochans.

[Bochan Mor]

Was that you over at the other end for some dietry advice today, now that you've secured the whole pot of mince? If 'Wee Scoom' was still here, he'd have a job running enough of his best shoulder steak through the grinder, with you consuming more in a day than the two crews on and old ringer would manage time for in a week.

It'll take more than the Tupperware Navy to keep the bochans down the burrows, and you should know that by now. Halloween is just the start of it for the poor residents of Tormor, Woodside and Broomfield. It'll be March before the lighter nights start to work their way back, so those little beggars at the bus stop will be able to do anonymous cartwheels through the hedges.

Right Pongal has the right idea, he's been training brambles to grow through the centre of his hedges and has meticulously been smearing old dirty grease along the top of the fences. No doubt the wee brutes will be crying foul when their Crocodile tracksuits get ruined, but to h*ll wae them, I would say that we should all do the same.

What the devil happened to your stack of tinder at the front door? Don't tell me that Sanyanya stole it all, there was enough plocks there to steam the Waverley to Tobermory and back? Did I not warn you about lying in your bed till the bus passed, and I'm not talking about the morning one either?

Mrs Morenish has me under strict instructions to remove any intoxicating liquor that could remotely tempt yerself away from the chores that she has left you. Now; she wants to know if you've written the Christmas cards yet, as she has some new additions for the list, not least one for the hoose at the Bridge at Dippen.

[morenish]

no,no bochan i was asking the nhs for my usual supply of arthritis pills only to be told that in they have been withdrawn as they were causing side effects ie:people were getting better and snoddy thought he might end up out of a job.

now bochan are we to believe that some of the local kids are out-bochaning the bochan?
well,well old age is maybe getting to you
is it right that you only record wan to every body elses 2,n,a half?

now as for the christmas cards, i never send any,neverbut mrs morenish is never done sendin the damn things,christmas, birthdays, easter, mothers day, and any other days yon marketing folk get her feeling guilty about.
but as to the wee hoose card, should it be wan name or two?

[Bochan Mor]

now as for the christmas cards, i never send any,neverbut mrs morenish is never done sendin the damn things,christmas, birthdays, easter, mothers day, and any other days yon marketing folk get her feeling guilty about.
but as to the wee hoose card, should it be wan name or two?

Be very careful about the number of names you put on the card as they'll all be looking for a present at Christmas. I hear you were competing in the Mull Rally, but had to retire after putting a kink in your galavanting shaft again. Your clutch didn't smell too hot either, or was it because it was too hot?

Did you give the young fella a leg up, sending all your firewood to the other side of the village? There'll be no kids out-bochaning the bochan, I can tell you. You know what they say, don't get mad, get even!

With my new found wealth, I was thinking of St Lucia for Christmas, but I'll need to check my passport for blemishes.

[morenish]

well in all truth bochan the gigglin pin broke off the galavantin shaft lettin water into the toolbox which of course meant the main cog o the enchine was away.
ach the sky's away to the west.
hooiniver she can be rebuilt, huv ye any spare ruvits aboot ye?
ye we're boastin aboot bein rivetin the other day onywye?

do you know a wummin called morag from morrar?
she has a website called egos'r'us?
seems she helps build confidence and things (i prefer firewood stacks myself, much more practical) anyway i think she sells tup...toopes.......wigs.
she was advertisin for old stack rope for somthin and as i had a wee bag or two o it i thought id give her a call and see if i could turn a wee profit.

clach air, bochan

[Snoddy]

Dear Mr Morenish, it has come to my attention that your prescription exemption certificate expired in November last year, and as a result, you may be required to furnish my good self with a full refund for all items supplied since this point. A personal crossed cheque or postal order made out to Dr Snoddy Esq should ensure that the full value finds it way into the NHS coffers.

Perhaps you would be so good as to enlighten your good friend Bochan Mor that I may be in a position to offer him the most up to date syrup of figs on the market. As for self confidence, Lady Snoddy swears by Plymouth Gin. She feels that it is good to be able to opt in and out of your alter ego as permenantly elevated self-confidence is not always seen as a veritable attribute to non-Tory voters.

It was extremely regretful that I had to learn third hand of your problems in the galavanting shaft region. As I have mentioned before, you may be required to enrol in the means testing trials at Cour, but weekly supply of your 'Little bit of blue heaven' as you so eloquently put it, is not a god given right. Furthermore, correct my if I'm wrong, but was it not within the last calendar year that I warned you of the consequences of medicating tups with medicine formulated to enhance human erectile tissue?

[Pete Reek]

Eddie Ted