Lonely Hearts Adverts from Scottish Newspapers

[pigeon poisoner]

These are all, apparently, genuine lonely hearts adverts that have been published in the Glasgow Herald newspaper:

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini,
seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car
and be willing to travel. Box 09/08


Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03


Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in
pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street
at three in the morning. Box 73/82.


Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks
decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel
world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41


Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few
scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box
84/87


Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks
mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like
little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach
essential. Box 12/32



Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include
cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.
References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45


Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse
end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box
40/27


Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in
cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box
52/07


Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at
Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's
not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to
old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41


Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm


Cullen man, mid twenties, seeks nubile young lady for cooking, cleaning and
fornication contract. Must be prepared to be a bidy-in and have a strong
knowledge of local dialect. Oh and big baps ana.

[A Horse called Juan Face]

hatchet-faced bitches ha ha ha