The Kintyre Forum

Due to the financial situation within the farming industry, the
Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60
on an early retirement scheme.

The scheme (Retire Agricultural Personnel Early) will be known as RAPE.

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply for (Special Help After Farm
Termination) or SHAFT.

Those who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will then be reviewed under the
(Scheme for Retired Early Workers) or SCREW.

Please note: You can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED
as many times as the Government deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependants) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Rural Personnel on Early
Severance)

Those Farmers remaining in the Industry will receive as much Special
High Intensity Training or (SHIT) and Caring Responsive Assistance
Programme or (CRAP) as possible.

As you are aware, the Government has always prided itself on the amount
of SHIT and CRAP it gives to Farmers. Should you feel however, you are
not receiving enough SHIT, or that you are not responding to all the
CRAP, please bring this to the attention of the Minister as he has been
especially trained to give you all the SHIT and CRAP that you can handle.

Wait until 4th Gen reads this!!!

whoot!!!! there'll be at least a dozen online this very minute looking to see where they can get the forms to fill in to supplement the current Special Countryside and Rural Outgoings and Utilities National Grant Entitlement Restitution Scheme.

And you can F right off Morris

hey now, don't shoot the messenger, bill started it, at least wait till 90% of farmers go out of business due to the CAP first.

See I knew he wudna be pleased!

Ach, ahl bet he's just laffing cos he got tae tell the General tae EFF OFF!!