Commonwealth Games Glasgow 2014

[howlsatthemoon]

Glasgow Commonwealth Games 2014

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014. A
copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry
shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van
situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, Walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide
the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in
Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be
the one who can leave A & E first.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
delivery man.

The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice
of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike
shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on
his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,
underage drinking and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
'Belle & Sebastian'.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes
break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
boiler.

[EMDEE]

Just as well we can laugh at ourselves!

If ye don't laugh ye'll greet.

Seriously though, I think that this could be applied to any city that has hosted the Commonwealth Games. It's just that we happen to know about Glasgow's dark underbelly.