Spoof Letters Page

[Govangirl]

I admit to having too much time on my hands! Any spoof letters for our new Letters Page?

Dear Editor,
I find it unbelievable that bed the NHS continues to bleat on about the bed shortage they are experiencing. I went to Ikea on Sunday and there were loads of the things.
Confused, Glasgow

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
I am overjoyed to see Nicky Campbell's religious chat show 'The Big Questions' back on our screens and in excellent form. The first topic of the year: 'Should religion be allowed to discriminate against women?' was most interesting particularly with the consensus in the studio being, 'Yes it should'. Welcome back Nicky!
Contented, Scotland

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
I was horrified to overhear my neighbour boasting about having killed two birds with one stone. Needless to say I called the police on this misogynistic double murderer immediately. It's time we stood up to the current lawlessness in our society.
Disgusted, Govan

Dear Editor,
Further to the letter above, this was not the hilarious misunderstanding of an everyday phrase that you would expect. I had in fact killed both my wife and mother-in-law with just one stone, and feeling very pleased with myself, foolishly bragged about it in earshot of my neighbour. It’s a fair cop.
Govanite, Barlinnie

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
After weeks of the terrible snow chaos that has hit London’s transport systems, I believe that it is down to the council spending all my tax on the Olympics instead of grit.
Angry, Big City



Dear Editor,
If it really is the either/or situation the previous corresponder has it down as, I would prefer them to spend the money on the Olympics. 12 billion pounds on just grit just seems frivolous.
Sport-lover, Croydon


Dear Editor,
Further to the letter above, I don’t think it’s frivolous at all. If we had 12 billion pounds worth of grit we could sort out the roads and then dump the rest on that ITV1 ice rink, to stop all those tedious celebrities dancing on it every week and taking up two hours that could have been used for better TV.
Roger, Staffs

[LANDROVER ROGER]

Dear Editor,
After weeks of the terrible snow chaos that has hit London’s transport systems, I believe that it is down to the council spending all my tax on the Olympics instead of grit.
Angry, Big City



Dear Editor,
If it really is the either/or situation the previous corresponder has it down as, I would prefer them to spend the money on the Olympics. 12 billion pounds on just grit just seems frivolous.
Sport-lover, Croydon


Dear Editor,
Further to the letter above, I don’t think it’s frivolous at all. If we had 12 billion pounds worth of grit we could sort out the roads and then dump the rest on that ITV1 ice rink, to stop all those tedious celebrities dancing on it every week and taking up two hours that could have been used for better TV.
Roger, Staffs

Ace!!!

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
I was going into town today using my local bus service when I was taken aback by the likeness of the bus driver to Bruce Springsteen. He was the spitting image of him and quite took my breath away at the incredible likeness. I have enclosed a picture of Springsteen but unfortunately do not have a photo of the driver.
Amazed, Carradale

[LANDROVER ROGER]

"I came home last night to find that all my furniture had been removed from my house and replaced with exact replicas."
Perpetually Confused of Stoke-on-Trent.

[Bitter End]

Dear editor,
It has been observed that the letters page o yer paper is bein hogged by wan wummin ! Is she a member o yer staff ? Is she a member o yer faimly ? Are you employin her tae write tae yersell cause naebudy else wull? Can ye no git wan o the 'Real' reporters tae tak a turn ? Are you fit tae be the editor o this wance fine publication ? if thers nae change fur the better Ahm gonnie look at ither papers , so Ah am !
Right dischuffed
Londinium

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
My nerves have been shredded since reading the venemous letter insinuating I was writing all the correspondence on your page. Perhaps I wouldn't have felt so obligated to write a few if he and others like him had the backbone to draft a letter of their own to your good page. My friends from the Community Home will assure you that I am not an avengful or nasty person but if I were God and he were Daniel in the pit praying for help, I'd say, "Oh sure, let me help," then I'd unseal the lions' mouths and throw scorpions into the pit for good measure. I'd instruct the scorpions to leave the lions alone of course. In my opinion, Right dischuffed should have a special place in hell reserved just for him. Whilst society still has to suffer his presence, I remain convinced that right will out and this leper will eventually choke on the ignominious swill on which he so lovingly feeds. Keep up the good work!
Tattered Nerves
Govan

[Bitter End]

Dear editor ,
Ah see yer still publishin yer doughters wurks o fiction an her reachin intae her vast store o ignorance fur yer letters page.whits wi aw the crap aboot lions an scorpions , eh? Scopions Ah ken -jist lik a prawn wi the tail upside doon. Ye lift it by the pointit bit , bite aff the heed an sook oot the meat, then use the point fur pikin atween yer teeth. Ah dinna ken aboot yer lion . Dae ye eat it raw or burnt ?? Ah guess Ah'l niver ken cause as Ah telt ye Ah'l no be reedin yer trashy scandal rag again . Ah'm gonnie go an hunt in anithir neebors recyclin pile fur a better class o reedin material, an tell yer lassie she widna ken a decent blaze if she backed intae it while gein her man a guid scoldin !! Aye nae backbone eh ? an me wi the spine o a amoeba

Extremely Disgruntled ( Thets lik a dourkie wi its vocal chords cut )
londinium

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
Imagine my delight when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, informing me that my tax return was 'outstanding', particularly when I cannot even remember sending it in. The public are too ready to besmirch the good name of the tax office these days.
Nora Battersby, by e-mail

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
I purchased a new mobile phone last week and I was promised 'free evenings and weekends'. However, my boss has just told me that I have to work late tonight and come in on Saturday. How much longer are we going to fall for these phone companies' lies?
Right disgruntled, Brighton

[Pete Reek]

Dear Editor

I was browsing through the television listings trying to find something reasonable to watch.
Imagine my dismay when I noticed a programme which indicated that the authorities had given permission for yet another reality offering. This one was to let prisoners out of prison and send them off somehwere into the wilds on a camping expedition, paid for of course by the long suffering tax payer.

You can view this waste of money by tuning in to -"Criminal Intent"

Angry Tax Payer

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
I am married to a Taiwanese lady and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
Extremely Disgruntled
londinium


Dear Editor,
With reference to Extremely Disgruntled's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

[Govangirl]

Dear Editor,
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I cannot tell you how shocked I was and will certainly not be having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
Shuggie, Bearsden