The Kintyre Forum

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded
Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family…. you've got to send
me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This
ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up
inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of
happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a
hen was the best thing that had happened to him…ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting the
bed."

Malky

Ok, here's another one.

Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him.

St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design;

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points "replied God, "Let's have a wee look."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.
After a moment God said,"Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Malky

Cooboy Troy walks into a seedy cafe in Austin, Texas. He sits at the well-kicked counter where he notices an aged rancher with his arms folded tightly, staring blankly at a full bowl of warm, steaming, aromatic chili.

After fifteen minutes of watching the old timer just sitting there staring at it through the steam, and with a couple of good measures of the finest Turkey bourbon down his neck, Troy bravely asks the old cowpoke in his broadest Campbeltown accent:

''Hey pop, If you ain't gonna eat yer sma beefies, mind if I do?"

The old hand slowly turns his bushy head toward the young wrangler and in his best cooboy manner says, "Nah, you go right ahead Troy, be my guest!"

Eagerly, the intrepid Troy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in to his wide=open gob like there was no tomorrow. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the deep terrine before he notices a dead mouse drowned in the spicy sauce. The sight was so shocking and gut wrenching that our 'hide-brander' immediately regurgetated the chili through his fingers into the accomodating bowl.

The old cowboy slowly shakes his head, and with only the slightest hint of mirth through a toothless smile, quietly says, "Yep Troy ma boy, that's as far as I got too, and the poor wee moose afore me!!"

Personally I don't approve of this at all. Its naw right pongal. Troy should have offered to buy the rancher a refreshing pint of amber nectar before pulling off that move.

Never mind the wild weather to the North, spare a though for the Weegies in Glesga following the news report below.


A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring
5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow in the early hours of Yesterday with its epicentre in The Gorbals (Not Bolgam Street).

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man-no?".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in The Gorbals.

One resident - Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so's ah wiz."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required

foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave chips
-- Pies from Greggs
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Special Brew or bottle of Buckie.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?'
they asked.
"Parkheed" said the girl, "wits that tae you?"

pr

Pete, what were you doing in Corpus Christi meeting a man from Mississippi?

Two Italian tourists in the US:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obessed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."

"Hey, coola down lady", the man said, "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin my frienda how to spella Mississippi.

What do you call 2 robbers standing in the street??


A pair of knickers