Spin'in Yarns

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Ah wuz oan a hoose visit thi dey at ma auld buddies hoose. (Holly) we'll cal him fur eesy mind'in. Oniway holly wuz jeest on aboot the week'en thit ah wheeng oh thum went tae (Le Rock) which wuz a club in France sumwhur, thit aw the S.W.F wud go tae every Fri/Sat? nicht.
Him and wan oh the lads called ticker, or wuz it the clock, a canna mind, hud bein want'in tae koort this lass fur sum time, so they thought it best to gee eech uther a chance oan thur ain waythoot ani compateetion fae eech uther.
Tae cut a hoooray long story a wee bity short, holly wun the bet, but as agreed both bhoys stood oan the dance flair and wetted tae see who hud wun.
Oniway wee jimmies sister Crikit wuz the prize, an as she came taewurds the bhoys,she made a beeline fur the Clock, of coorse, he wuz in gret order, caus he thit he'd wun.
Man he wuz fer disapointed whin she sed naw, Holly wun, so the clock hud tae jeest stan thir on the dance flair, while ma Buddy Holly an the crikit, hud tae dance un rock aroon the clock.
Efter he telt me aw this, a kent hee's mind must be startin tae wander, an a thought tae masel god, sum dey al be lake thit. An heav'n help ye's awe.

[Bobbie En Tejas]

Pop, I saw something today that suddenly comes to mind and seems very fitting!

SILENCE IS GOLDEN
BUT DUCT TAPE IS SILVER

After that joke, someone get the tape

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Aye ist thit time agane,
Last nicht, aboot fower in the moarnin, as wuz wakin'd by a hoora lood bang fae wan oh the rooms up in the attic, a kent it mist huv sker'd me, fur a hud a wet patch oan ma jammies, whir a hud spilt ma wee nicht cap dram, weil am sure thits whit it wuz.
Oniway, ah wint up ster tae mak sure every thin wuz awe rite, noo this took aboot haf an oor tae get tae, cause at ma age tis naw jeest yur bladder that disna dae whit ye tell it, tis yur legs tae.
Ventuley a git tae the room whir a thot the bangin hud cum fae an a wint inside.
Well wuz a naw jeest tackin aback wae whit a saw, it wuz the Maitron an she wuz on all fowers on the flair, noo ye huv tae rememer she's oer 20 stone an ah thot thit butter in hur moooth wid niffer melt, oniway whir wuz ah. aye, she wuz oan all fowers oan the flair, dae'in thur sort oh press up things. Ah hud tae catch ma breath wae thi sight a wuz see'in, an ah sed, maitron whit oan irth ur yeh dae'in, tae whoot she replied, och tis this damn'd 10k thit wur hae'in in the toon, och sed i, ur ye dae'in it ? naw Pop, she sed laffin am jeest gittin in shape incase af git tae carry half oh thim fools thit ur ganni dae it, aw the way up thim sters oh mine, for resisatate'n, cause thil be drappin lake flies an al want ma sher.....So
ah thought a best tell yee's aw, mak sure ye train propirly fur this wee race, cause if ye pass oot haff wae roon and yeh wake up lookin intae her eyes or whit iffer she has got oot hingin over ye, yur gane tae wish ye wur feeekin deed. Tae gee ye an idea whit she's lake, git yursel a bag oh grapes, an throw a potato intae it, we'il thits her.
So be warn'd.

[Bobbie En Tejas]

You are just knotted up in these yarns That is hilarious.

And the visuals.

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Ah mind whin a wiz a wee laddie, an ah wuz oot pleyin wan nicht neer ma auld skool, twas a derk culd nicht an a thot it twas oni me thit wuz daft eenuf tae be oot oan a nicht lak it. Oniway ah cuid heer aw this geeglin gan oan, twas cummin fae inside the bike shid roof an it startled me a wee bitty.
In troo ermy commanda stile, an unner cover ah took it apoan masel, tae seek oot an deestoy the enemee, (funni how yur mine wurks whin yur a wae n). So ther a am crallin oan ma belli, usin ma night findur glesses, (thats yur 2 hans the guther in the shape oh a O), an am in constant touch wae groon control, wae ma kid oan walki talki, they'r keepin an eye oot fur snipirs, jeest incase ah take a hit.
So thur a am 20 paces fae eenimee base, the noise ist gettin loodur an loodur. Ah cuid heer ther plans bein made fur the moora nichts surveylance, a thought a wuz jeest aboot tae brek open this circle, thit run oor skool, an thur hide oot wuz call'd The Blue Room.
But thur wuz wan wee problum, ah coona wurk oot how a cuid get intae this secrit fort, caus a kent the buildin hud nae dors, so how dae ye get in ther ???
Noo a kent it twas neer ma bed time but a hud tae fine this oot, if ah cuid crack this ah wuid be a leeder oh the wee boys gang.
So oniway thurs movment an thur aw cummin oot the roof, Bingo, af crack'd it, thur it wuz, a hole in the roof below thim slates an whin thur gan oot they'd swing aw the slates bach intae place, an ye'd niffer ken thur wuz a fort in ther.Noo this ist the the devinchy code, an aff jeest crack'd it, am ganni be the new leeder oh the wee boys.
Every wans gawn noo, so in a go ,in tae the Blue Room, ah felt lak summthin oot oh Startrek, tae boldly gan whur nae wan has gan before.
Whin a git inside twas lak a dreem cum troo fur a wee laddie lak masel, thir wiz boxes, an boxes oh penny caramils an crisps an whoot naw, an as fur the name Blue Room, weil twas aw the magazines thit wur in thir thit gee'd it thit name, so you'll hae tae yu'se yur ane imagination oan that wan.
Whit a find thit wuz. Whin a became the leeder oh the wee gan, we wuid carefulli plan oot raids on thir Blue Room, an tak thir goodies tae oor ane unnergroon fort doon the othur side oh the veelage, this went oan fur months an months an twas a gret feelin known ye kid tak fae the big boys, wae thoot them kennin, an a niffer wance got ma eers slapped.
Awe guid things cum tae an end tho, an when the poalis fun oot , the big fla's wur neekin fae the skool tuck shop, we ah got oor eerses keeked.
Och weil it wuz gret while it lasted.
Trust them stupit buggars tae get caught, it ment we had tae stert plannin plan B. An whur we cuid get a new supply. But thats anuther story, fur anuther dey, but am sure yuil get tae heer it soon.,

[dgraves]

Awe guid things cum tae an end tho, an when the poalis fun oot , the big fla's wur neekin fae the skool tuck shop, we ah got oor eerses keeked.
Och weil it wuz gret while it lasted.
Trust them stupit buggars tae get caught, it ment we had tae stert plannin plan B. An whur we cuid get a new supply. But thats anuther story, fur anuther dey, but am sure yuil get tae heer it soon.,

Good one, Pop! But...if the big flas didn't know it was you sneaking in, who ratted you out to the poalis?

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It twas wan oh thim big fla's thit sterted greetin whin the heedmester telt the skool the poalis wur cumin tae talk tae us, mind ewe, he wuz a big fearti, ye ken thi type, mammi's git tae blow thur noses fur, naw lak me an Pete reek, we wur tuff, we wud ewes oor sleeves, niffer a hanki hud wae atween us, thit cuid expane how wae aye hud green foreheeds.

[Bobbie En Tejas]

Ya wairn't so tough. If you were REALLY tough, you would have used someone else's sleeve and not your own

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Weil ah actualy did thit, wance, it wuz tae a big rud heeded lassie who wuz a yeer yungur than me, but she gee'd me a whoora toobarin wae hur skool bag so a lern't ma lessin the hard wae, ah niffer did thit tae oniwan iffer agane.Ah got hur bach tho, cause a poot coo's pooh in a wee paper poke wan nicht an ah left it at hur frunt dor, an afore a nocked oan hur dor an run't awa, a set it oan fire.
Twas hur muther thit answered thi dor an stamped oan the wee poke tae pit oot the fire, she wuz hooray angri whin hur fireside slippurs got a fill oh coo's pooh, aff niffer telt oniwan thit it twas me, cause ma fether wid huv booted ma erse tae ma nose bleed, so fur god sake wummin dinna tel a sole,shoor yuil naw.

[Bobbie En Tejas]

You've got my word, I won't tell a soul, but I have a feeling you better watch your front doorstep for a while.

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Naw al be awrite, ah'l oni be gane oot ma bach dor, cause its git a ramp oot fae it, ah hope nae wan poors watir oan it in thur frosti mornins or am on ma erse fur shoor.

[paraffin man]

In troo ermy commanda stile, an unner cover ah took it apoan masel, tae seek oot an deestoy the enemee, ,

Aye ye auld bugger . I see yer still runnin aboot commando style as well, Mrs PM said she seen ye hobblin doon main st on Tuesday dodgin the gum wi nathin on but yer kneekers full o skid marks.

Blue Room, weil twas aw the magazines thit wur in thir thit gee'd it thit name

Thon matron been puttin it aboot that somebodi up in thon big hoose yer in has been leein dirty mags in way the auld yins Wimmins own n Bellas, the only problem is that they canna get the pages open cos there a stuck the gither wi sumthin. They were hopin tae get fingerprints off o them tae discover who the culprit is cos the auld yins are a seek o the smell in the dayroom, trouble is that there gan tae ha tae use thon DNA thing tae discover who it is, cos instead o using toilet roll for wipin their erse theyv been usin the magazines n makin them a dirty. Apparantly there callin it the broon room.

[paraffin man]

C'mon auld guy there must be another yarn in the offin

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Weil aye sorto,
Ah wiz doon the toon the othur dey, an a went fur a wee stroll roon tae the museum, jeest tae see whit sorto state she is bein kept in, ah mean thurs a loat oh auld relics in ther, an if the council hae thur way, and move in, then thurs ganni be a helluva loat mer. Ift ye catch ma drift.
However, whin yeh sit doon an think aboot it, the museum is possibly the best place fur thim.
Oniway, whin a got aff the ring n ride bus jeest outside the toon hall, auld Maggie wuz gan fur hur purple rinse (its hur favorite colour ye ken), an ah thot a wid jeest Pop intae the offsales fur a wee quater bottle, (purely maddisonal ye unnerstan) oh wheesky, weil a wuz nae soonur oot the dor whin the culd wind cut me tae the boan, an whit bettur wae tae rid the culd than a wee quater oh Campbeltoons finest.
Noo whin ah hud drunk it aw doon, a rememburd thit it wuz fur a wee night cap fur ma sel an Maggie efter light oot, she laked me poppin in efter light oot, but a'l naw gan intae that the noo.
Noo whur wiz ah ? och aye, wee night cap, so enniway a hud tae pop back intae the offsales an replemish the quater ah hud jeest drunk.
Pop said the wee lass ahin the coontur, ye've jeest been in an bought a we quater bottle, cun ye naw rememer. Ur ye shoor lass, a sed, weil a mist have left it doon sumwhur ,cause af naw got wan on me. Oh Pop yur heids jeest naw screw'd on rite,ye must aff loast it, Aye ah sed, thit'll be rite, ah mist hav.
Here ye ur then, tak this wan an weil sey nae mer aboot it, infact ye can hae it as a valentine gift fae me.
Thit fer put a smile oan ma face, 7th decade an af still got a wee bit oh charm.
So oot a goes, rite Pop, lits get yur erse doon tae thit Mussaleum, aye by this time the wee golden boy wiz gettin me foo.
Am on ma wae doon the main street noo, and then Ugh, am a naw stuck fast on that bluddy gum, oot side them shoaps. What am a ganni dae noo ?, stuck here in the culd, Maggie gettin hur sel colour coded fur the nights rendevoo, an nae wan hearin me shout, fur the streets fill a cars pleyin thur bang bang bang music, whit can a dae. ?
Ah ken whit tae dae, a'l use ma wheesky tae melt the gum, efter ah, ah did get it fur naithin so it twas money weil naw spent, (if yeh ken whit a meen).
Noo at this point, ma hert wuz startin to slow doon fast, whit wae the ice culd wind that wuz blowin aff the loch, an a had tae act fast, so a took oot ma mobile an foned the Fast Action Responce Team, Naw a dinna,,, that wuz jeest a wee joke, ah did tae ma sel tae see if it wid tak ma mind aff ma pradeekamint.
Niffer wurked tho, an a returned tae plan A. Noo thit wuz ulways ganni be ma oniway oot oh this wee problum, Sooo ah opened up ma wee quater bottle, an a poored the hoal lot doon,,,, the bach oh ma throt. Feck the gum, a thot tae ma sel, if am ganni be stuck here fur a while, ah wid be asweil bein piss,d, an thit way a winna feel the culd.
Niffer did get tae thit Muesseleam place that dey, fact ah niffer minded anymer oh thit dey, apert fae this vision oh a purple herd wummin, wae a hose in hur han, sprayin water tae try melt the gum, an this boy racer, sittin oan the street wae Prince pleyin on hees Cd pleyer, Think the sang wuz Purple Rain Purple Rain, naw metter, a feckin hate it noo eniway.
Noo, a ken ye've jeest red this, an yer seyin tae yersel, whit a loat oh auld feckin yarns, weil lit me tell you this...............................................................yur feckin rite, it is.

[Bobbie En Tejas]

Pop...yer yarn on this thread had me in stitches!