couple of jokes

[dgraves]

Heyyy....where'd it go?? I knew I'd read it somewhere, but it was still funny the second time around, Iron Brew

[dgraves]

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at the convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The constipated Uncle: Canna Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
This nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayta Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister that loved disco: Go Gogh
and his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

[Iron Brew]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
> The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
> The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
> Why? Do you think they look alike?"
> "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got shagged twice"!

[Iron Brew]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd
again
cheers "RUN RUN"
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire
calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back
down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and
explains,
He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams:
Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[Iron Brew]

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own
car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall
Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more. Box
84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential Box
12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions.
References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box
40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs
in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box
52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic
man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

Cullen man, mid twenties, seeks nubile young lady for cooking, cleaning
and fornication contract. Must be prepared to be a bidy-in and have a a
strong knowledge of local dialect. Oh and big baps ana.

[Iron Brew]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
> > His friend says, "My feet are cold mate .
> > Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
> > The guy goes upstairs,
> > and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
> > "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
> > The first daughter says, "That's not true."
> > He says, "I'll prove it."
> > He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
> > His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[Iron Brew]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there
he
>> takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
>> blond
>> walks
>> by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
>>
>> The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
>> call for me?"
>>
>> The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
>>
>> She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that
>> if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
>>
>> Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down
on a
>> towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
>> her.
>>
>> The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
>> sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy
man
>> lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?"
says
>> the hairy man.
>>
>> "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
>>
>> "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you
fart, it
>> implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around,
>> bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
>>
>> The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by
>> the smiling, naked receptionist.
>>
>> "May I help you?" she says.
>>
>> The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and
>> you can keep the $500 membership fee."
>>
>> "But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You
>> haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
>>
>> The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
erection
>> once a month and I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
>>

[Iron Brew]

Right,thats enough before I get barred from here!

[Frosty]

Why Iron Brew , have you been barred from other forums ?

fROSTY

[Big Bob]

I received this one recently

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without
Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall. "

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power........... A power failure?Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[Iron Brew]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The
robot pours him the perfect pint, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and
> sexual proclivities.
>
> The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes
back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly
prepared
drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The man responds, "about a 100."
>
> Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
rugby,
supermodels, favorite foods, guns, and women's body parts. Really
impressed,
the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more
> test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's
your IQ?"
>
> The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
>
> And the robot says... real slowly,
>
> "So............... de ye think yor gonny beat Villareal"
>

[Iron Brew]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?