The joy of getting older
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you
stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. When you're
seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You
take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing
comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of
all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every
morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
The joys of getting older!
21 posts
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The joys of getting older!
by Reidiboy » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:26 pm
I am not completely useless............................... I can be used as a bad example!
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by Bobbie En Tejas » Fri Feb 10, 2006 10:27 pm
Very funny Reidi.
Here's something that fits on this thread, attributed to Andy Rooney, but actually written by Frank Kaiser:
Subject: Woman over 40
Ladies,
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it...
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her....
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us.
Of course I think the man knows what he's talking about
Here's something that fits on this thread, attributed to Andy Rooney, but actually written by Frank Kaiser:
Subject: Woman over 40
Ladies,
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it...
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her....
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us.
Of course I think the man knows what he's talking about
Some people die at 21 but aren't buried until they are 65.
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Please read!
by Annie » Wed Apr 12, 2006 4:40 am
Thank God for Andy Rooney.
Here is one for ya!
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
>1. This is this cat.
>2. This is is cat.
>3. This is how cat.
>4. This is to cat.
>5. This is keep cat.
>6. This is an cat.
>7. This is old cat.
>8. This is fart cat.
>9. This is busy cat.
>10. This is for cat.
>11. This is forty cat.
>12. This is seconds cat.
>
>Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is one for ya!
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
>1. This is this cat.
>2. This is is cat.
>3. This is how cat.
>4. This is to cat.
>5. This is keep cat.
>6. This is an cat.
>7. This is old cat.
>8. This is fart cat.
>9. This is busy cat.
>10. This is for cat.
>11. This is forty cat.
>12. This is seconds cat.
>
>Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!
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by jock the boat » Wed Apr 12, 2006 1:29 pm
good one annie
no 1 will want to play with me once the bloody swimming pool opens. toot toot. except Gen Jack
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New Diet for the 40 Something Crowd!
by Annie » Fri Apr 14, 2006 10:45 pm
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? < B>
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need g rain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bitso you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle,it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave w ith the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? < B>
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need g rain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bitso you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle,it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave w ith the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
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by take_a_pop » Fri Apr 14, 2006 10:56 pm
Yeh ken summthin Annie, yur dam rite, av often sed this,
Listen heer tae me, aff oani wan thing tae sey, much better tae burn out, than jeest fade away.
An thits whoot ah fully intend tae dae. Liv fur the dey, the morra micht never cum.
Listen heer tae me, aff oani wan thing tae sey, much better tae burn out, than jeest fade away.
An thits whoot ah fully intend tae dae. Liv fur the dey, the morra micht never cum.
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by Bobbie En Tejas » Fri Apr 14, 2006 11:05 pm
I love it, Annie! 
Some people die at 21 but aren't buried until they are 65.
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Re: Thanks!
by petewick » Sat Apr 15, 2006 1:07 pm
Annie wrote:It got me good! Then I laughed my ar$e off!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!
Aye we heard it hit the floor here in Oban!
KGB
BALD AND EXPLOSIVE AN' JEEST GET THE BEER UP
BALD AND EXPLOSIVE AN' JEEST GET THE BEER UP
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This is a good one!
by Annie » Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:13 pm
Living Wills Made Easy!
I think this is the best living will form that I've seen, it's easy to understand, and it makes perfect sense as well.
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of posturing politicians, religious nuts, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills or protecting their butts from malpractice suits.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita
______a Beer
______a Steak
______Lobster or shrimp
______The remote control,
______Chocolate
______Ice Cream
______Sex in some form
______Mexican Food of any type
______Something to read
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and go get a beer.
_________________________________________ Date
Affiant
I think this is the best living will form that I've seen, it's easy to understand, and it makes perfect sense as well.
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of posturing politicians, religious nuts, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills or protecting their butts from malpractice suits.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita
______a Beer
______a Steak
______Lobster or shrimp
______The remote control,
______Chocolate
______Ice Cream
______Sex in some form
______Mexican Food of any type
______Something to read
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and go get a beer.
_________________________________________ Date
Affiant
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by jane59 » Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:34 am
Chocolate would do it for me Anne
Jane
!Alba gu Brath!
!Scotland Forever !
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http://www.myspace.com/craftyjane
!Alba gu Brath!
!Scotland Forever !
http://www.getphpbb.com/phpbb/index.php ... lovenlight
http://www.donniemunro.co.uk
http://www.myspace.com/craftyjane
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Any and/or All!
by Annie » Tue Apr 25, 2006 9:30 pm
If I don't ask for at least one of these, and more likely all of these items especially chocolate, then dig a hole and put me in it!!!!!!!!!! Cos ahm broon breed!!!!!!!!
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