I HOPE ALL YOU SCOTS WILL RAISE A GLASS

[bubbly jock]

I'm quite sure Neil is sitting back and lapping this up!

Well, he did ask us to raise a glass He didn't say where so I thought this was as good a place as any for an Englishman.

bubbly

[chrisduffy]

I'm quite sure Neil is sitting back and lapping this up!

Well, he did ask us to raise a glass He didn't say where so I thought this was as good a place as any for an Englishman.

bubbly

Not any Englishman bubbly, we Yorkshiremen are much tighter than that!! Some say tighter than the Jocks!

Cheers
Chris

[Sweltered]

Today is my Birthday.

[dtm]

The average Englishman in the home he calls his castle slips into his raincoat, patented by Chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland.

En-route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland.

He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by J. Thompson, Stonehaven, Scotland.

At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers, Bookseller and Printer of Dundee, Scotland.

During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born
in Edinburgh, Scotland.

At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, Blacksmith of Thornhill, Dumfriesshire, Scotland.

He watches the news on television, an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John
Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.

Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots. He has
by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the
Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot,
King James VI, who authorized its translation.

He could take to drink but the Scots make the best in the world.

He could take a rifle and end it all, but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.

If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table injected with penicillin, discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given chloroform, an anesthetic discovered by Sir James Young Simpson, Obstetrician and Gynecologist of Bathgate, Scotland.

Out of the anesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

Perhaps his only remaining hope would be to get a transfusion of guid Scottish blood which would entitle him to ask:


"Wha's Like Us?"

[Tom B]

DTM - I quite like that, I've seen it before. But on reading it again tonight, it made me realise that most of these technological and engineering breakthroughs are over 100 years old! Hopefully we can point to something more recent?!

What world leading developments should be included in an updated version?

- Cloning of the dolly the sheep, though not sure how you'd work that in to the story!
- etc

[Sweltered]

- Cloning of the dolly the sheep, though not sure how you'd work that in to the story!
- etc

When he finally got home his he got amorous withhis blow up girlfriend, a direct copy of Dolly, the sheep cloned by Scottish Scientists.

Will that do Tommy?

[Neil]

Is it safe to come out yet?

Bubs you cant stick the coke bottle up yer arse mate(was that a xray pic from yer last visit to the hospital sweety?)i can see why you posted that Brokeback Mountain thread now.Anyway i never use coke.....it spoils me whisky.

[Neil]

When he finally got home his he got amorous withhis blow up girlfriend, a direct copy of Dolly, the sheep cloned by Scottish Scientists.

Will that do Tommy?

Sweltered my exile buddy dont ask me about shaging sheep chrisduffy is from yorshire he will tell you all you want to know about that score

[rossco]

well neil dude without england the world would be a better place.one of englands biggest achievements is the concentration camps.no it wasnt the nazis.the day we finally get independence from you guys will be a great day in Scottish history. ok i know i`ll p#ss of some people but hay that life. rossco

[jaywalker]

Not entirely sure, but I believe the first concentration camps were set up by the British (not the English) during the Boer War.. They were used to "concentrate" opponents to Britains objectives at the time.. Although there was a high death rate, this was largely due to disease and lack of sanitation rather than any form of ethnic cleansing.. I agree Neil should be abused for being English and a Man Utd supporter and indeed a black belt $hit-$tirrer but we cant blame him for everything.

[Bochan Mor]

Not entirely sure, but I believe the first concentration camps were set up by the British (not the English) during the Boer War.. They were used to "concentrate" opponents to Britains objectives at the time.. Although there was a high death rate, this was largely due to disease and lack of sanitation rather than any form of ethnic cleansing.. I agree Neil should be abused for being English and a Man Utd supporter and indeed a black belt $hit-$tirrer but we cant blame him for everything.

I don't know what you're all getting so worked-up about. Just stop and consider for a minute: Why would a rampant British Bulldog from Widnes be called Neil?

Simple really! Some of the constituent parts of the finest pin-head oatmeal from the Black Isle or further west has been liberally & generously sown into the ailing gene pools of Englandshire, substantially enhancing the D.N.A of the beleaguered, hopeless and uninspired.

Neil is programmed like a grilsing Atlantic salmon, sub-consciously surffing his way along the rocky outcrops and estuaries in an desparate effort to find the divine source of the river that supported the spawning of his forbearers. Who knows; maybe he's found it here in Kintyre. There's certainly enough mischief in this old rascal to support the theory that he's a direct descendent of a coal miner from Drumlemble or maybe shepherd from Macharioch!

Indeed, in a generation or three, the descendants of Neil could be inventing life-changing consumer goods and attracting the cudos of honourary Scots!!!

Anyway Neil, its about your time matey for springing to life, but its getting far too late for an old bochan like me, so I'm definately heading off to the lea-side of bum island, before the matchsticks holding my eyelids open, snap in to two bits. Tomorrow's another day, but hopefully it won't come too quick....................

[Neil]

Rossco my dear boy I know you don't mean it,remember us in the UK...scots,Irish,English,welsh.....well maybe not the welsh ,are just one big happy family I feel like a big brother looking after my little brother or cousin.

The world a better place without England? Dear me my old chap you must not hold grudges let the lord into you're soul and you will feel better...plus a few little scraps years and years ago should not make you bitter,I feel you have been watching to many movies over the years and they have clouded you're judgement...plus without the English there would be no Sunday dinner...coronation street and fish a chips and who could do without football?.

Bochan Mor my old adversary...I like you... Not in a gay sort of way but more like in a mutual respect I think you would make a great honary English man and I would enjoy sharing a glass of
Uisge Beathe any time with you.
But a "rampant British Bulldog" you say....what a wonderful name for a vibrator .

Bochan if I wanted to find my forbearers I would be going (as I have done)this way http://www.kilkenny.ie/ the place my forbearers owned many years ago(theres a little link to my second name)...but I agree maybe its the Celt calling me to my kin.


And roscco I would just like to say chill out my brother I feel you need more of my attention you need some soul in you...soul can Soothe the beast you know?......when you go to bed stand in front of the mirror and repeat these words... I'm HA-P-P-Y I'm HA-P-P-Y I KNOW I AM IM SURE I AM IM HA-P-P-Y and if it works well uncle Neil will buy you a glass of coke next time I'm up in the land of the gods.

[Machrihanish]

What a thread you started here Neil !!
Anyone knows that when God was designing the world he was giving St Peter a tour around all the countries when he came to Scotland and stopped and sighed...St Peter asked why the sigh and he replied that this land and it's peoples were to be his finest work ever. St Peter was a bit worried that his boss was maybe spoiling them and mentioned this fact. God replied " well Peter thats as maybe but to balance things out I am giving them the worst neighbours in the world"

Right, I'm away to make a maypole and jump over a few bonfires

[Bochan Mor]

Aye Machrihanish, the Romans tried to help us by building a couple of walls to contain them, but their desire to be up amongst the gods was such, that they eventually jumped over.

Some were heard going back over the border saying: 'A terrible place Scotland, Neigh bars'. From this point on, the English were described as 'Terrible Neigh Bars', which was later corrupted to 'Terrible neighbours'.

Anyway, that was all in the past. What the marauding englishmen didn't realise was that the Scots and Celts were operating out of bothans in these days, a practice still prevailing in the Western Isles.

Anyway, I'm away to pour the potatoes, or it'll be tomorrow........

[Neil]

Anyone knows that when God was designing the world he was giving St Peter a tour around all the countries when he came to Scotland and stopped and sighed...St Peter asked why the sigh and he replied that this land and it's peoples were to be his finest work ever. St Peter was a bit worried that his boss was maybe spoiling them and mentioned this fact. God replied " well Peter thats as maybe but to balance things out I am giving them the worst neighbours in the world"

Very good Machrihanish you should put that story and all the effort involved in it on your own website http://machrihanish.proboards28.com/ you just might get more than 5 topics and 9 posts.

Right, I'm away to make a maypole and jump over a few bonfires

whatever you fancy mate i tend to keep away from all this dressing up we in the uk are into..what next men wearing skirts...the only highland fling i came close to was with a lovely lass i met in scotland years back

Bochan i agree>

Neighbours
Everybody needs good neighbours
With a little understanding you can find the perfect blend

Neighbours
Should be there for one-another
That's when good neighbours become good friends.

Like you said anything else should be left in the past....it makes people seem bitter and twisted if you bring old things back up.


pour the potatoes? dear me lad have chips not reached you yet?.

Toodle Pip chaps.