1 word, 5 words, poems

[general jack o'niell]

i'm naw allowed cheese, so you can keep it, and i'm taking time oot from the painting i'm supposed to be doing to read this nonsense, so you didn't like my verse, sorry but its the best i could come up with in a couple of minutes with the boy tappin me on the shooder crying "dad, can i get on?" apparently the young yins waste their lives bletherin on somethin called MSN, what it is i do not know, but i've better things to do with my time than fin oot.

as for keepin folk oot our "wee place" as you call it, that takes no time at all, nobody has ever been refused, its not hard, all (jist remembered i did refuse wan, but he was sneakin in anyway and i only refused him till i got home, seein as it was ootside the vic that he asked to get in, the stargate, not the vic) all you have to do is send me a wee PM and ask, just tell me your real name, no faking, i can always find out, thats all it takes, information will be kept to mysel, ok so i've forgotten half of them already, and i knew the rest anyway, thats all it takes, theres no trouser leg rolling or ribbons involved, just a simple request and your name, helps keep the riffraff out, its not me that decides who the riffraff are!!! its self policing, if you don't ask or are not already included then you must think you are riffraff, we could do with some fresh blood, some of them have forgotten how to login nevermind type, i'd say more but i'm off to lie down till these cheest pains ease, and me being a good boy takin my aspirin every day too

[Pete Reek]

Haw therr Mien Fuhrer.
This is jeest a wee bit o the riff raff here. A coona ask yi tae let me intae the the innur sanctum as ahm intent (that duzna mean ahm campin by the way) on gettin up the ladder, naw gan doon the bloody thing. Ah mean, look at hoots on offer.
Ah wud need tae sit lake wan oh thae dogs yi used tae see in the back parcel shelf o cars, an nod away lake the clappers at ah the stuff you spowt withoot tellin yi yur mooth wuz a broon.
Cood ah dae it?
Bleurgh!
Ah coona gee yi a peece wi cheese on it as it gees you the boonyach an a sore chust at the semm time.
Hey, ahm jeest thinkin here. Sum o they so called posters lee me lake that withoot geein me cheese.
Ah wud need ti kid on ah laked a bunch o shooderpads wallupin aboot a big bit o green grun knockin ten different cullurs o keech oot o wan anuther jeest tae get tae lie doon on a wee ba that used tae be roon but its noo skwashed sunnery.
Yi wud want tae tell me hoot kinna god yi wur when yi used tae be wi that groop doon the new quay. Yi wunna lake it if a tellt yi that yiz made a noise lake a cat wi its clinkers cott in a moose trap,noo wud yi?
Ah know the entry exams naw hard, because look at Ninja an them uther wans that nearly brokk thur legs runnin tae get in. Einstiens uvvry wan.
So, ahll lakely naw putt mi CV threw yur letterbox, but is it ahright uf a shout at yi on the street or when yur oot feedin the rabbit?
Jeest ti be sowshabill yi unnerstan.
Aye General, ahve met yins far worser than you, but a canna jeest mind wherr for the meenit.

PS. Thurrs naithin rang wi yur rudd shoes by the way.

[general jack o'niell]

aye there is, they've started leakin

you've been misguided somewhere along the way, members are just that because we disagree, thats the whole point of a debate, you canna have one if everybody agrees with everybody else, thats called a labour government!!!!!

and don't be passing when i'm oot feedin "her ootside" bring her some dandylion leaves, then you'll have at least wan female thats putty in yir hauns, mind you she tried to make a break for it this morning, thru a hole she'd chewed in the wire, i tried do do a temporary repair with some rope but the wee bugger was chewing it as i tried to thread it thru the mesh, luckily i found a box of staples in the shed and fitted a new section of chicken wire, you'll never have seen a rabbit with a boose, its not a pretty site, i could see her thinkin "if he pits his haun in here i'm going to bite a chunk oot him"

no sooner had i finished than "her indoors" arrived with wid, wanting me to make shelves for her office, and me in the middle of painting the upstairs hall too, three times my cup of coffee has been in the microwave since 8.50am this morning and its half eleven noo.

heres me wasting time on here when i should be using my writing skills to get a wee pound or hunner oota hoover, nine pages it runs to so far and all for a washing machine that took ten days to get here and broke doon efter two, then took another two weeks to get replaced, poor souls don't know wits hit them, i've been very polite during the dozen phonecalls i've made, gloves are off now (they're in the wash)

oh i nearly forgot, thanks for promoting me to a deity, heres me thinking all these years i was merely a prophet, mind you, thats some memory you've got that you can remember back 25yrs, theres chanters i know canna remember the words to a three minute song, nevermind how something sounded 25yrs ago!!!! we like opinions in the stargate, keeps it fresh, and don't go shouting at me in the street, folk will think you've either lost a fiver, your job or someone close has died, depending on your tone of voice that is?

"God, oh God, yoohoo, God, over here God"

[Bitter End]

what would you do?
if he came this god of yours
what would you do?
jump through the gate
ere to late
what would you do?

[general jack o'niell]

organise a wee game of football, afterall if there is such a thing/being as God, then stands to reason he's either played for or is an avid fan of manchester united, but i'm being silly, we all know there is a God and his name is eric cantona

tho if he's busy, i'm free to stand in, i'm no bad when it comes to passing judgement, sorry, was it the forgiving, benevelant God you were expecting? maybe next time round eh?

[Bitter End]

Cantona ? naw PELE
mair in ma time!
an better lookin tae

benevolence frae an exiled crofter
thet wid be rare
forgiving? Aye
but only in the stare!
across the darkened crubhan
wher big Jim had his lair.

[general jack o'niell]

big jim?

i know a wee jim, a jimmy, a jamie, a james and another wan that wiz a john, but no big jim?

the only one that springs to mind wasn't even skilled in the tackle, being a bit of a fouler?

i take it it's girth and naw height that earned this jim his nickname? and he's naw in the habit oh parking a van across two disabled parking bays ootside tesco, then havin the cheek to wave

[Pete Reek]

General, Ahm affa nearly quite sure that he means wan o the "Hey You Jimmies" but this wan hees gyitterin aboot is the sort o supermodel wan, an thats how hees caain um Big Jim!

See when thay take up a dubble slot at Tesco's, can yi naw report them tae the polis or that? Is it caad dubble parking, or is that jeest hoot they wans that dra up aside anuther car an go inti shops dae?

By the way there, ah had a grett laff at the third line o yur reply tae Bitter End. Very subtle, an its nae wunner Little Weeds boyfrend nuvver got the wan aboot Gaultieri.

Watch hoot yur daen wi that rabbit mind, cos thay can get hoorin veeshus an bite an scratch yi way thur claas.

[ionnsaigh]

A must admit - a enjoy awe the banter - especially in the oral tradition - transferred to the written word - with grace and honest intellect - I may add.
Hopefully I will pick up some crumbs left - intentionally at the table. Servants can pick up valuable titbits at the masters table.
Oh I forgot ( yet again) my other names Spartacus.

[Pete Reek]

How yi doin Sparti baby.
So yur kwite content tae get crums. Stick it oot for the whole slice o breed is my advice.
See yoor wan o they guys that cood acshully get a whole bloody bangkwet oot o this uf yi jeest hae the peyshunse tae hing on for a wee while or two.
Ur yi allowed tae mention this oral stuff on here?
Ah mean tae say Insane, uz naithin sacred thase dez.
Did yi get yur swipe kerd for the Stargate yut? Ah think heez on a reecrootin thingmy enoo.
Ur yi heerin much fae Sweetin ower in Florida? Ah know yi wir gettin a loat o PM's fae um tellin yi that he really laked yi an wantit yi tae go ower tae veesit um. Ahm naw shure thats a grett idea, but yir big enuff an owld enuff noo tae make yur ain mind up aboot that.
Right, am for divin un ablow the owld army greatcoat for the night. Shite, ah meant mi duvvett.

[ionnsaigh]

Pete's sake - a whole slice of Mother's Pride - is that the carrot or stick - I always liked the straight edge of the crust - as it was usually less burnt - it being the erse of the loaf.
I have more peyshunse than god almighty + awe them catholic saints. However you tempt me sir - ma mooth watters at the prospect - of dinning in the best company - wae a straight crust.

Oral pleasures ( there you go ive said it ) oral pleasure. Awe them years o cathlic indoctrination - gone in a puff of holy smoke. Nothing sacred these fine days - no even a flat crust.
No - nae swipe kerd -yit - fae Stargate - cause am fae glesga - a think. He who we shoodnae mention - lacks in mae humble opinion - tact - diplomacy and the finer niceties expected of gentlemen in conversation.
Sweetin on the other hand is - another kettle of fish - nae pun intended. A true Gentleman of impeccable manner -
Throughout the course of his many private and extremely confidential PM's - he has developed an unhealthy attraction for middle aged men - I play along with him - orally of course. Aye he has invited me over for an all expenses paid holiday - as long as a bring mae ain Irn Bru.
A hope yur nice an comfy in yer auld army coat - here's me thinkin yi wur in the Luftwaffe - jeest goes tae show ye.
She who is sleeping in my bed - kicked me oot at 3AM fur snoorin - no nothins sacred any mer .

[general jack o'niell]

i had a visit from bill yesterday and i don't think he'll mind me repeating what he said, he should know by now never to tell me anything without first getting me to sign something.

aye bill, you are correct, insane disnae hauf talk some right pure shite sometimes, i know it takes a bit of patience to get all the way to the end of some of my posts but for chrissake man!!!! its not clever, its not witty, its rarely insightful, i'm beginning to come round to his way of thinking and i too now picture insane sitting in his big office somewhere with too much time and not enough work (you don't work for scottish enerprise do you? say hello to my brother, you canna miss him, aye sniffin, hypochondriac, practises his tae kwon do keeks in the corridors)

every day my two come in from school, "dad, can i get on" meaning the computer, today they both read insanes last post over my shooder and walked away shaking their heads, "those folk you speak to on there don't half talk some shite" she's a sweet girl usually she's 12 this weekend. "is that the guy you were saying was a FUD?" said my 15yr old son, he got confused, it was me that was called a FUD, i'd only asked if he knew what it meant so i could be annoyed or not as the case may be, but i can see how he would be confused, i've no idea what a FUD is, but i'm sure if i'm one then insane is one too, in fact he may be two too,

i defy you to read that last bit and not visualise yourself pulling the lever on a locomotive, just me? ok, don't know why, maybe you all pictured yourselves dancing around like a prima ballerina, i can almost hear certain ones claiming "watch billy elliot? nah, there was nothing else on, the dvd? oh it must be somebody elses, i must have picked it up by mistake"

theres a hoora bangin goin on doonstairs, i better go and see whats causing it, oh and i forgot to feed the rabbit today ,thanks for reminding me, the wee sowel

[Pete Reek]

Ah hope poor owld Insane dunna "mess wi yur two-two" Mein Little Chickadee!

Ah mean, can yi naw jeest pikchur it? Rudd shooes an ah two-two?

[ionnsaigh]

General store,
A widnae listen tae a word auld winkie tells ye - he must be missin his keypad - too many bumps in the coop van - eating awe the called meat - aye the sweetie wife fae Corby - oor bill - nice enough though. Did he eat awe yer chocolate biscuits - always wis a greedy pig.
I do have a spacious office - who told you ? FOD - or Fud ? Next time you honour this dear green place - come and give me a visit - the office is situated on Maryhill Road - A big sign hings threateningly above the door. Jobcentre. A Tuesday 2-30PM - would be most convenient and appropriate - I will be in the - too auld fur a joab queue.
At least yer weans seem tae hiv merr sense - the wee lassie in particular - must be - we share a birthday this weekend - not that I'm a believer - although she does seem to have a sting in her tail.
I was told - in no uncertain terms - to finish the painting today - says she - who must be obeyed - the slamming of doors - sends a certain degree of fear into ma breastie . Then again you would know aboot that general .

[ionnsaigh]

Fur Pete sake,
General = landlubber cabin fever.