by Right Pongal » Tue Nov 20, 2007 12:04 am
Here was me thinking that the grammar and punctuation had improved dramatically when the aforementioned individuals retired from the SFW, leaving thon be-spectacled wummin at the controls with an uphill struggle to regain the credibility of Wee Arthur's foundering folio. With the impellers well and truly sheared and the water breaching the crankcase, it was inevitable that these comics would eventually be hauled up the slip for a refit.
It wisnae the Gorillaz Hiedz that were on the wheelhouse roof, they were in the seat lockers rusting amongst the ballast and the tins of chips in brine. In fact, there was a better chance that they would be used as frisbees as long as gort hadn't set in, often showing up in the benthos surveys commissioned by the marine lab. I remember asking why the wheelhouse roof was thought to be a suitable location to store meat, only to be on the receiving end of a demonstration by the skipper putting his hand up onto the wheelhouse roof then down to the deck and proclaiming the roof cooler. Absolute nonsense of course, but try contradicting an old sage in those days!
The Saddell Street butchers weren't the ideal choice, but when the day came when Wee Scoom closed thon big fridge door for the last time in the village, things were never the same. Did you know, he would put everything back into the chill between customers, then ask for the requirements of the next customer before diving back in and removing the carcass from which he was about to saw or chop the desired cut from?
However, as with dealing with all butchers, if you wanted grade 'A' mince you had to ask for a pound of shoulder steak, then wait for him to cut it and just as he was placing it on the grease proof paper, ask him to mince it, and if you were really feeling brave, ask him to run it through a second time.
The look of disdain on his face remains with us all even now, but despite the proverbial steam coming out his ears, never a profane word crossed his lips. Well at least not whilst you were still in earshot, but I dare say that if the refrigerator could talk..... No, he would reach for the big cigarette that was smouldering in the ashtray and inhale sharply before exhaling 50% of it through his nostrils and the other 50% through gritted teeth.
Now, if your looking for a good butcher these days you need to seek out 'Eric the Red' who probably learned his trade during his numerous spells in the caboodle at the back of Scoom's fleshery. Stop in the mainstreet in Lochgilphead and dive into Fergusons and ask for the man that makes the record breaking clootie dumplings. He's a cheery soul, full of native crofter cunning and a dab hand with a filleting knife as well as a rifle!
I thought I saw the fellow that the General was referring to, but as he was looking rather pale, I didn't push him passed 'Aye!' I've got no idea what the General was alluding to here, but no doubt it will come out in the wash. Were they singing thon old Undertone's anthem, and I don't mean: 'My perfect Cousin!' Ji**y Ji**y
Having served more than a few good sessions quietly observing in the generally civilized confines of the 'Captain's Cabin' amongst the seafaring fraternity of the Wee Toon, listening to the world and 'Beyond the Stargate' being put to rights, gives me an insight into the minds of the offspring of the exiled crofters that resided within the Burgh of CN. The only lighthearted break in the proceedings would probably be when a less than welcome individual would interrupt the debate, dashing through the bar to the toilets and then sharply exiting, complaining bitterly of the great dis-service that the chewing gum machine had done him again. I don't know if I'm imagining it now, but I could swear that akin to the executioner throwing the switch on 'Old Sparkie', the lights dimmed in the bar every time the mechanism was activated in the machine, resulting in a chorus of yaaaaho's from the congregation in the bar.
Despite the enthralling entertainment, it was always a great relief to get back outside into the square and breath the freshly inverted Bengullion air again, albeit shortlived!
Right now General, we'll need to ease back on the throttle and maybe extinguish the navigation lights as there's no royalties for you or I if it goes to press over near Druimyeon..... Comeback!
Don't jeest leave it at yer erse, everything has a place ....................so keep it Pongal!