Jokes

[abbey craig]

I was at the doctors a few months ago jack,i had a reoccurance of an old football injury,my knee was all swollen up and the doctor told me it was knee ligament damage,he told me to keep putting ice packs on and the swelling would go down. I then asked him if i could get a second opinion, he said " yes of course,your an ugly bas***d as well"

oh sorry of topic here 6 of the belt for me

[ionnsaigh]

There was a crash on the Kingston bridge this afternoon - between a cement mixer - and a group 4 prisoner van.

The police are looking for Ten hardened criminals

[bill]

Surely "House of fun" would be the place for jokes?

There again they are'nt funny

[ionnsaigh]

A horse walks into a bar - " Was my Dad in here"
Barman - " Don't know what does he look like "

[bill]

Used to read better than that in The Beano and Dandy

[general jack o'niell]

11p on a packet of fags?

that is a feckin joke

how am i meant to afford to buy my blackmarket prescription drugs when its coing to cost me £1.10 a week for my smokes

heres another joke a loaf of bread, just an ordinary sliced loaf £1.24 whats wrong? i can't hear anyone laughing, your cheaper buying two french loaves, see, thats europe for you, they get their bread subsidised, while we have to pay thru the nose, think thats bad? you should see where i keep my change!!!!
i used to eat a lot of bread as part of my staple diet, but i had to stop because they kept jagging the inside of my mouth when i chewed and also had a tendency to bind you up.

how does a knitter take a sh!te?

nip one, curl one, nip one, curl one

why did the constipated man stop using his internet access?

he couldn't log on


how do you know theres been an elephant in your fridge?


theres a big sh!te on the carpet


no, thats not funny, but you were expecting the footprints in the butter punchline

[EMDEE]

There was a crash on the Kingston bridge this afternoon - between a cement mixer - and a group 4 prisoner van.

The police are looking for Ten hardened criminals

Last time I heard that punchline it was a lorryload of Viagra that had been stolen.

[bill]

I am bloody raging today,a woman driving one of them new Skodas has just smashed into my car.







THERE'S MARZIPAN,JAM AND SPONGE EVERYWHERE.

[general jack o'niell]

you made a 12yr old laugh with that, think you might have found your age group, comedywise

[bill]

I may be getting on in years, but I am still young at heart.

[ionnsaigh]

There was a crash on the Kingston bridge this afternoon - between a cement mixer - and a group 4 prisoner van.

The police are looking for Ten hardened criminals

Last time I heard that punchline it was a lorryload of Viagra that had been stolen.

No that was another crash on the bridge - the viagra incident. Driver jailed for 3months - a drunken catholic priest - suicide squad - attempts stopping devil drug.

[general jack o'niell]

think you just got the hook there ionn, don't call us, we'll call you, not!!!!

[ionnsaigh]

you made a 12yr old laugh with that, think you might have found your age group, comedywise

Och well she must be feeling better - Glesga looks nice - fae high up

[general jack o'niell]

from invalid to bloody nuisence, its easy done, i was two hours in the shed setting up my new bandsaw and scrollsaw, bolting them down to the workbenches, she coona move her erchie to go and check on the pot of soup i was making, oh but she could eat it, no problem there!!!!

[Bobbie En Tejas]

An Irish joke for St. Patrick's Day... maybe it should go on the parking thread:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."