1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have
her baby in the taxi' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the
lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests
from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's -
- - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'
. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St. Thomas's Bath .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . . I
asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six
hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had
over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this
morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. . .Bob replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the
grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the
lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .
