ASK THE QUACK! (DR SNODDY ON CALL)

[Bochan Mor]

For those that take themselves very seriously.

[Snoddy]

For those that take themselves very seriously.

I would like it to be known that I am formally applying for the tenancy of this room within the said forum.

It is my intention that Surgery hours will remain the same, with patients being accepted strictly by appointment.

Home visits to other threads will only be made at my discretion.

Please refrain from requesting diagnostic analysis, if you are loathed to accept the findings.

Phsychiatric advice is not particularly my speciallity, but where I see fit, I will refer you on to Dr Bobbly Juck, who will risk making more regular consultations during the absence of bubbly jock.

Dr Juck retains the right to leave at the first opportunity, should Mr Jock return without prior warning.

The Practice will operate a ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY relating to Verbal or physical abuse of direct employees and consultants.

The Practice also reserves the right to refuse treatment should patients prove to be difficult or anti-social.

Laughing Out Loud will not be acceptable in the presence of Dr Snoddy, as he sees absolutely no need.

Dr Snoddy may also have to leave at a moment's notice should Lady Snoddy require his undivided attention.

The above list of rules in not exhaustive, and may be reviewed from time to time.

Trans-Atlantic consultations may have to be conducted using an alternative scale of charges and regulations, due to the extravagent cost of providing liability insurance within a culture of obscene levels of compensation.




18th December, in the year of our Lord (Snoddy) 2005

[Right Pongal]

Dear Dr Snoddy,

I hope that you can help me as I am at my wits end? Davie P says that a terrible smell is following me around, and he is not the first to make this comment. I initially thought that it was Bochan Mor or Morenish's tackity boots, but haven't seen either of them now for a good number of days, and yet the smell prevails.

Someone dumped an old matress at the bottom of my garden the last week there, and when I tried to shift it, the smell of cheesy feet got onto my good Fair Isle Jersey, and I am wondering if it could have attached itself permanantly?

[Snoddy]

Dear Mr Pongal,

Please do not worry unduly about the smell that Mr P has been referring to. Being blissfully aware of the fine fettle that Mrs Pongal turns you out in, I am sure that personal hygiene is not the issue.

Have you been able to trace the kind donor of the mattress? In a village so small, there couldn't possibly have been that many beds replaced in the last few weeks.

Diet is also an area that you should consider reviewing. Highly spiced or smoked foods, fish, asparagus, sprouts, cabbage, onions & garlic can cause excess flatulence, which inevitably leaks and squeaks from the posterior. If you have a regular craving for smoked cheese, I would recommend small cubes of a highly concentrated variety, similar to that described as 'Bochan Cheese', produced exclusively in Campbeltown.

Ensure that you consume plenty of burnt, brown toast, washed down with diluted peppermint water. Copious amounts of weak black tea throughout the day will also aide the flushing effect. One month later, you should see a notable difference....

[dgraves]

Dear Dr. Snoddy,

What is your opinion of using ash (i.e. from burning a clean 100% cotton tea towel or a garment that is handy) to stem the blood flow from a deep, fresh, free flowing cut or gash? This is, of course, if you do not have modern medical facilities or pharmaceuticals available.

What about using fresh coffee grounds on a wound that is not deep, but bleeding? Thanks-

[4th gen Suthen']

Hmm sounds like you have been reading some terrible tale of near disaster in the Readers Digest Dorian!

Some poor sowel lost in The Rockies with grizzly bears all around, cuts himself on his Bowie knife whilst trying to fashion a raised platform from branches and twigs........... he knows he will get no help till the snow melts in the spring but then a helicopter came along in the nick of time plucking him to safety, dreepin' blood, as the grizzlies grasp at his trailing leg..............

Or maybe it was on one of your own camping trips...........maybe it is NOW....HURRY UP Dr Snoddy........

[dgraves]

Or maybe it was on one of your own camping trips...........maybe it is NOW....HURRY UP Dr Snoddy........

It is a South American (Guajiran) Indian practice....before I tell you the dreaded tale, I'll pause for Dr. Snoddy's comments. Don't worry! No two page story.

[Snoddy]

Dear Dorian,

I wasn't sure how far you wanted to go down the ash route, but my own research goes something like this:

Ash bark is a bitter tonic and astringent, has a cleansing depurative action and slightly widens the blood vessels. Its bitterness is a tonic to liver and spleen function. Before the introduction of Quinine from the Peruvian Chinchona bark, it was widely used as a remedy for intermittent (i.e. coming and going) fevers, which are a feature of many illnesses, including Malaria, which was once common in Europe.
The powdered bark can be effective in helping to expel intestinal worms. Fasting on the day of treatment is recommended, as are repeat doses at intervals of several days. A decoction of the bark was used as a healing wash for cuts and sores and the ley from the bark ashes was used to cure scabby and leprous sores.
Ash leaves often featured in recipes for longevity and are diuretic, diaphoretic & purgative, as well as laxative. They were recommended as a herbal tea on waking in the morning to improve general health. The leaves are known to help to eliminate urates, a waste-product, which can cause auto-immune reactions. Hence Ash is sometimes known as ‘the Gout tree’. A course of Ash leaf infusions is a traditional country remedy in cases of gravel and renal colic. Due to its laxative properties, the leaves are said to be a useful alternative to Senna, because they have a less griping effect.
The distilled water of the leaves taken every morning was used as a cure for dropsy.
The cleansing actions of bark decoctions and leaf infusions are very helpful in rheumatic and arthritic conditions.
In the time when Indian and Ceylon tea was still an exotic, expensive drink, Ash leaves were often added to the mixture to make it go further and must have been a healthy addition.
Dioscores, author of the earliest known European herbal, wrote that the Ash seeds “provoke lust”. The aphrodisiac reputation of the seeds, also known as ‘keys’ may be due in part to the general improvement in health by Ash medicine.
The fruits are probably even more active than leaves and bark and a decoction of the fruits is an ancient remedy for flatulence.
Powdered, or mixed with honey, the seeds were held to be a remarkable diuretic by some herbalists and more active in shedding excess body water than the bark or leaves.
Country people sometimes pickles the Ash keys as a substitute for capers.

In homeopathy, the American White Ash is considered as an organ remedy for the womb, specifically in all ‘heavy’ states of the uterus, prolapse, bearing down pains, heavy menses, profuse leucorrhoea, inflammation and even myoma's or fibroids with ‘heaviness’. American Ash has similar spiritual and medicinal properties as European Ash, so women suffering from any of these troubles would loose nothing from trying 5 drops of Ash tincture 3 x a day for 2- 12 months, especially where waiting lists for medical attention are long.

There is an old wart charm associated with the Ash. Stick as many new pins as you have warts in the tree. Take out one pin at the time, prick one of the warts with it and put it back in the tree, whilst saying:
“Ashen tree, Ashen tree,
Pray buy these warts of me.”
By the time the pins go rusty, the warts will have disappeared. All this may sound awfully superstitious, but it is surprising how often these charms work. Warts are caused by a virus, but the practice of folk-medicine has proven again and again that some warts are extremely open to suggestion.
Herbal medicine is very rich in cures for warts, because in the time of the witch-burnings they could be a life-threatening affliction. Witch hunters saw warts as a nipple for demons to suck on and a sure sign that a woman had been copulating with the devil. A woman with warts could therefore be burned as a witch.

The vibrational ASH remedy of Mother Nature's Celtic Tree remedies has the following indications:
Keyword: Connection

For people who feel easily out of touch and for those who are rootless, alienated.

For integrating various rolls in life.

To increase our flexibility and strength in times of heavy pressure.

To increase our flexibility when we suffer from stiff ingrained habits, deep set conditioning and dogma.

For when the sweeping force of emotions seems to drown us and erode our life

Ash is the antidote to ‘Divide and Rule’, it encourages us to ‘Connect and Share’! By giving what we seek we keep abundance circulating in our lives.

It helps us to see from a spherical perspective and so it heals many splits in our life: inner and outer world, male and female, mind and body, etc.

Well at least that's what Witchnettle told me on the fourth green of the golf course as the sun rose this morning. I had to inform her that this would be the last time that I could participate in the Winter solstice celebration, as my blood is now far too thin for dancing naked around the flag. Lady Snoddy disagreed, stating that an extra tot of gin worked wonders. Needless to say, by the time we got home, more than our noses were blue!

One of my patients seems to have gone AWOL from the ward. Has anyone seen a tall, dark, handsome chap with glasses, a hat, and almost a full head of hair. He has selective deafness and may not necessarily answer to any name in particular. The nurses seem to have mixed up his medication this morning, so he may well be talking like a book. Please do not approach him without assistance, as you are likely to find yourself in a 'Hostage' situation.

[dgraves]

Dear Dorian,

Well at least that's what Witchnettle told me on the fourth green of the golf course as the sun rose this morning. I had to inform her that this would be the last time that I could participate in the Winter solstice celebration, as my blood is now far too thin for dancing naked around the flag. Lady Snoddy disagreed, stating that an extra tot of gin worked wonders. Needless to say, by the time we got home, more than our noses were blue!

Hi Dr. Snoddy,

That was very interesting about the Ash wood. I had heard a little about its medicinal properties.

I especially enjoyed the folkloric history. And your brave participation in the Winter Solstice celebration

I appologize for not writing my message clearer. I should have written ash(es) instead of ash. I was referring to the ashes of burnt cotton material, collected and used directly in the wound to staunch the flow of blood. I was just wondering what your opinion was of the practice, and if it was a valid one.

Thank you again, and especially for telling me about the ash wood!

[Snoddy]

Ah Dorian,

I have to profess to knowing hee-haw about the ash, but I suppose that it may aid in the clotting process, and if freshly combusted, should be sterile.

Anyway, I am very much looking forward to a peaceful and event free day, so everybody please refrain from over-indulging in anything that will harm their kidneys, liver, palms of their hands and skin from their knees and nose.

Personally, I may be giving mine a bit of a hammering!

Got to go, Lady Snoddy is just re-sampling last night's dinner, but unfortunately it is peristalsis in reverse!


Give me peace and good will to all!

[morenish]

aye snoddy.........ehhh ah wis wonderin if i could hae a wee wurd aboot a kinda personal problem?

ah dinna want any nurses hearin this mind.
ah wis wonderin if you had any oh yon wee blue pills that's supposed to help ugly wummin syndrom?
ah've found that by the time ah've consumed enough whisky to make her face blur ahm jeest no able to ....................any more, ye know?
ah've checked that it wisny anything else that was causin the problem, angelina, brittny and the other gimmers are all fine but mrs morenish just isny in their league anymore

[Snoddy]

aye snoddy.........ehhh ah wis wonderin if i could hae a wee wurd aboot a kinda personal problem?

ah dinna want any nurses hearin this mind.
ah wis wonderin if you had any oh yon wee blue pills that's supposed to help ugly wummin syndrom?
ah've found that by the time ah've consumed enough whisky to make her face blur ahm jeest no able to ....................any more, ye know?
ah've checked that it wisny anything else that was causin the problem, angelina, brittny and the other gimmers are all fine but mrs morenish just isny in their league anymore

Dear Mr Morenish,

I find that a fertile imagination coupled with a powerful mind conquers just about all. However, sadly I have to advise that powerful liquor is not the answer to the maiden's prayer.

I couldn't possibly advise you to gather the small mushrooms with the central peaks at the back of the caravan site and boil them into tea, as I can assure that it will be more than your family tax credit that will be rendered useless.

Have you considered taking on an au pair for a spell? This would allow you to un-chain Mrs Morenish from her domestic duties take her to the adult leisure shop at Bruised Head and kit her out in what ever takes your fancy. As you know from the last party at the 'Black House', Lady Snoddy looks particularly fetching dressed as a nursing sister.

If in turn this fails, then return her purse and encourage her to spend an evening in the Crubhan, allowing your newly appointed au pair the chance to analyze your personal requirements. The blue pills would be the least favoured option, and I say this due to your profession.

You would need to show great personal restraint whilst walking the fields, possibly getting Mrs Morenish to padlock your bib & brace prior to any stock husbandry.

All of the above advice is offered without prejudice, and will be strongly denied under any undue duress from Mrs Morenish!

[morenish]

well.......thanks for the advice dr but i fear you have no idea about the amount o money available in child tax credit situations, the only au pair i would get for that money would be wan o alex's lithuainians who had previously been employed in the boiler room of the oldest boat in they're fishin fleet!
an what wi the lamb trade the way it is and milk bein worthless ah doot ahll jeest need to abstain allthegither, well as far as she's concerned anyway...........ehhh the cheques in the post.....honest

[take_a_pop]

Dr Snod, help me oot heer, ah dunna hae a pain fae carryin the bin, oar the washin, in an oot.
Ah dinna hae hot swets whin am dae'in the ire'nin.
Ah dinna suffer eerache or heedache as Mrs pop disnae roar at mae.
Ah dinna get saft sna white hands whin am dae'in the dishes.
Ah dinna get tennis elba oan ma neees whin am scrub'in the flaer.
Ah neffer get thit auld, aff gut a heedache excuse, whin am in a fruity mood.
Ah canna fine sumthin tae moan aboot, or thit ah need yur advice oan, so
sumthin must be wrang.
Or ist it jeest the guid Lord huz chozen me tae hae the pirfict wumin ?
Meri crismas Mrs Pop, ye ken ah luv yeh.

(Ah think ave copy'd this doon the way yae writ it ma deer.)

[Snoddy]

Dear Take-A-Pop,

I can see that things are not as bad as they might be for you and your good lady this Christmas. May I suggest that you adopt one of Mr Gillies's Lithuanian orphans for the remainder of the festive season, well at least until the Silver Linning returns to the Firth.

You can purchase him a splendid new iPod, a bicycle & a PC, and by 7.30 pm he'll have thrown it all back in your face.

No doubt he will then decide to go out with his friends and despite only being 14 years old, will consume copious amounts of black-market vodka & coke, kick a few lamp-posts, then return home with the knees out of his brand new Chav Suit. Next he will start banging on the neighbours doors as well as your own, before throwing up on your pristine laminate & chinese rugs.

Furthermore, tune your Sky box into UK Gold and watch about 4-5 hours of Eastenders at Christmas. Some of these poor fools are absolute suckers for punishment. Imagine spending 20 Christmases in such a dreadfully unlucky place. You would have thought that Fat Pat, Squeal Beale and Fowler the Growler would have seen sense by now.

Poor Barry was quite relieved when Janine pushed him over the edge on the 'Rest & Be Thankfull.....

Anyway, if all else fails, walk across to Airds and into the cheeriest hostelry in the whole of the West Coast of Scotland. Soak up the atmosphere for an hour or two, then go home to Mrs Pop with all the bachelors in the village over the age of 50. Fill them all to the beak with cheap whisky and encourage them to hack into the cooked roast which is hidden in the larder. Tell them to stub their cigarettes out on the floor as Mrs Pop doesn't believe in ash trays. Start a card school and cheat in such an obvious way that the competition will definitely loose the plot. Climb the stairs in a pretend strunt, leaving Calum Kennedy blaring down below and clamber into bed, winding the duvet round you like a caterpillar's chrysalis and commence snoring.

I'll see you in the surgery the following morning, where I'll dispense tablespoonfulls of your favourite humble pie, which works wonders for an absolutely stinking hangover. NOT!!!!!

P.S. If Mrs Pop is anything like Lady Snoddy, then puking on the dishes in the sink is most definitely not a good idea


Mrs Snoddy has just reminded me that you should be using NHS 24!