ASK THE QUACK! (DR SNODDY ON CALL)

[Pete Reek]

[pr

[take_a_pop]

Aye Greengrass,
noo thurs a name fae thi past, thur wuz tha time thit the green fla an ma'sel wur ott dae'in the coal run wan nicht, whin wae came across this auld freesir, tho whoot it twas in the bunker fur a jeest nev'r ken't.
Onywae ah though a best chek it oot an see whit wis inside it.
Ah sed tae green fla tae had open thi lid an a wid climb in tae see whit auld puddin heed wuz keepin in it.
Wuz ah naw jeest gropin ma wae aboot thi bottim oh this freezy thing whin the auld puddin came in fur a buckit oh dross, an whit did thit green eedjit dae, he shi't doon thi lid an a wis stuk, culd an feert as fock,bit a ken't a coona mach a soond so ah jeest stiyed kwet fur a whilst tae the coast wuz cleer.
Oniway, turns oot the auld fla wuz mach'in the home brew oot oh strawburys an rhubarb an summit else a canna member whoot, an freezin thim intae icepops. Ma lips are still num thi dey wae awe thit sookin a did thit nicht, an a never did get hame wae oni coal tae heet the waatir fur ma bath, fur gan bach tae skool wae. Ah hud tae go neerly fower weiks afore the next wash wuz due, twis a grooosum sight, an ma face wuz awe spit streeks aff ma muthers hanki, as she tried tae git me cleen agane. lectric shoowirs noo, ye's dinna ken ye's ar lev'in.

[Snoddy]

Will somebody please Call the Matron forthwith?

Yet again Auld Pop has managed to pull the wool over his guardians eyes. Will other forum members please note that the elderly gentleman with the 'Fore & after' hat standing at the security door, is actually a long term guest in this establishment.

His favourite ruse is to drop his walking stick, just as someone opens the door to let a group of visitors in. Inevitably, one person bends down to pick up the stick and someone else holds the door open, allowing him to effect his escape.

Please do not accept any gifts of confectionery from this gentlemen, as you may unwittingly be accepting water pills or laxative chocolate, which were once prescribed by the vet for the betterment of Sanyanya's most recent horse!

[paraffin man]

Dear Dr Snodd

I am writing to you to advise you that i am concerned of the mental state of one of our fellow forum users.

He is one of the older members of the forum & i believe no-one cares much for him on here either.

He seems to be confused very easily these days as he thinks that i am running a breeding programme. I think it is his male hormones running wild in his latter years, he is mabye looking for a companion in his last years of life.

I also have had concern lately with his gross motor skills as his keyboard skills are also deterioating, he canna push the right buttons, but then again auld Aggie did say he never could.

Also referance to alchol is being made to in his posts, this is thinnin his blood n going tae parts o the body that other liquids canna reach, this also is partly to blame for his hormones in my opinion.

please can ye gie him a guid goin over the next time ye see him, n gie the auld codger a guid boot in the ersefae me.

[Pete Reek]

pr

[Snoddy]

Dear Dr Snodd

I am writing to you to advise you that i am concerned of the mental state of one of our fellow forum users.

He is one of the older members of the forum & i believe no-one cares much for him on here either.

He seems to be confused very easily these days as he thinks that i am running a breeding programme. I think it is his male hormones running wild in his latter years, he is mabye looking for a companion in his last years of life.

I also have had concern lately with his gross motor skills as his keyboard skills are also deterioating, he canna push the right buttons, but then again auld Aggie did say he never could.

Also referance to alchol is being made to in his posts, this is thinnin his blood n going tae parts o the body that other liquids canna reach, this also is partly to blame for his hormones in my opinion.

please can ye gie him a guid goin over the next time ye see him, n gie the auld codger a guid boot in the ersefae me.

Auld age most certainly doesn't come, ehh, ehh along that often. I don't think that sounds quite right, but none the less, I think that we may have to admit him for a day or two to assess his general well-being as well as ability to pay, should he decide to take this any further.

Can you please arrange to escort him to my surgery at your earliest possible convenience? Make sure that you diligently comb his residence for even the slightest sign of discarded marbles, single oars, broken filaments on navigation light bulbs or anything else that may result in an identifiably hazardous situation. Think ahead, and arrive with the child locks activated and the electric windows disabled. By the time he realises that it is the seatbelt that is restraining him, you should have him safely delivered to the carpark here at the surgery.

As you know, alcohol is a depressant and the cause of many an arguement. It cannot be safely dispensed to anyone who is past their peak in libido, as it only gives false hope, both to the consumer and auld Tantric Aggie. From memory, the only exception to the rule was Heinekin, which apparently could reach parts that no other beer could reach. However, as I found out to my cost, this strange pneomenom was far from a benefit.

Chastizing with the toe of one's boot will have no long term beneficial effects, considering the whole sorry incident will be forgotten about by 9am the following morning. No sir, your old 'Codger' will arise from his bed and sit on the cold porcelain the following morning, and think to himself: 'Where the hell did I put the 'Preparation H'. How do I know that? you might ask. Believe me, I have often greeted similar candidates at the surgery door, only to be hit by the not so unpleasant aroma of pasteurised and blended oil of shark liver.


Oh dear! I'm being given second thoughts; Lady Snoddy has just reminded me with one of those Medusa style glares, that it is most definitely the commencement of another well deserved and extended weekend, and apparently I don't get paid anywhere like nearly enough to provide any more councilling on such a wet and windy evening.

Besides, I cannot go another week without feeding her serpents!

Are you entirely satisfied now, my Nearest & Dearest??????

Sorry Alladin, time to retire for the night. I'll just go and pull the bedsocks over her bunions... and switch the light off and imagine another time and place!

[petewick]

Is it right that a scatter o' halfs any time o' the day can cure the skeechness and the boonyach?
Please advise Dr Snoddy MD, OBE, BO.

[Snoddy]

Is it right that a scatter o' halfs any time o' the day can cure the skeechness and the boonyach?
Please advise Dr Snoddy MD, OBE, BO.

I'm not so sure that I could safely advise you to go down this road, at least not on an ongoing basis.

I Recently diagnosed one or was it two of my patients with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

My patient decided to water his garden.

As he turns on the hose in the driveway, he looks over
At his car and decides ithe car needs washing.

As he starts toward the garage, he notices that there
is post on the porch table that he brought up from
the mail box earlier.

He decides to go through the post before he washes the car.

He lays his car keys down on the table, puts the junk mail
in the bin under the table, and notices that it is full.

So, he decides to put the bills back on the table and take
out the rubbish first.

But then he thinks, 'since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay
the bills first.'

He takes his cheque book off the table, and sees that there
is only one cheque left.

His new cheque book is in his desk in the study, so he goes
inside the house to his desk where he finds a can of
Coke that he had been drinking.

He's going to look for his chequess, but first he needs to push
the Coke aside so that he doesn't accidentally knock it over.
He realizes the Coke is getting warm, and decides he should
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As he heads toward the kitchen with the Coke, but a vase of
flowers on the counter catches his eye--they need to be
watered.

He set the Coke down on the counter, and discovers his
reading glasses that he's been searching for all morning.

He decides to put them back on my desk, but first he's
going to water the flowers.

He sets the glasses back down on the counter, fills a container
with water and suddenly spots the TV remote. Someone
left it on the kitchen table.

He realizes that tonight when they go to watch TV, they will be looking
for the remote, but won't remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so he decides to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first he'll water the flowers.

He pours some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on
the floor.

So, he sets the remote back down on the table, gets some towels
and wipes up the spill.

Then he heads down the hall trying to remember what he was
planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in his cheque book,
He can't find the remote,
He can't find his glasses,
and he doesn't remember what he did with the car keys.

Then when he ties to figure out why nothing got done today,
he's really baffled because he knows he was busy all day long,
and now he is really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for him, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to
everyone you know, because I don't remember to
whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

I would have never have known a damn thing about it, but for the fact that Lady Snoddy had captured the whole sorry episode on her video camera. I'm not sure who he was now, but I seemed to appear in some parts of the video!

[petewick]

Dear Doctor,

I have just returned to Oban and I feel homesick, I coped a large amount of vodka down my thrapple last night, but this made me feel worse.
What do you recommend.

petewick

[Snoddy]

Dear Doctor,

I have just returned to Oban and I feel homesick, I coped a large amount of vodka down my thrapple last night, but this made me feel worse.
What do you recommend.

petewick

Dear Mr Petewick,

My best recommendation is that you line your stomach with plenty complex carbohydrates before you pour copious amounts of vodka down your thrapple. If you dilute it with orange juice or coke, it will also be more difficult to consume quite so much in one sitting. Lucozade, Irn Bru and Dunsade, (if still in production), along with a large bag of salted crisps, will assist in restoring your electrolyte levels to where they should be.

Anyway, just to cheer yourself up, you should borrow a fireman's uniform for the night, then make a point of walking past the Argyllshire Gathering Halls around midnight tonight. You may find yourself fairly high up the popularity stakes, but remember to apply some Vaseline to your lips, as it is very cold outside, and with so many ferries moored up for the weekend, it will help to keep the chaps at bay.

It seems that the lads who were quoted as performing in Barra on another thread, have made there way to Oban and are out to scandalise the pulpit gazers of the town. So Petewick, see if you can tumble down Breadalbane Street and come back up smelling of roses!

[petewick]

Thankyou for your good advice Doc, I will remember it to the letter, as for this Argyllshire Gathering mularky, it's usually just old tuechters dressed in threadbare tartan that strut their stuff there of an evening.
Don't think I will be able to get my paws on a Fireman Sam outfit at such short notice.

petewick

[Snoddy]

Thankyou for your good advice Doc, I will remember it to the letter, as for this Argyllshire Gathering mularky, it's usually just old tuechters dressed in threadbare tartan that strut their stuff there of an evening.
Don't think I will be able to get my paws on a Fireman Sam outfit at such short notice.

petewick

Correct Petewick, Lady Snoddy and myself have graced the floor on a number of occassions following the prestigious Oban Games. It seems like only yesterday that I was marching like a peacock up to the games field in August, with my Glengarry hat, plaids and crook in hand.

Anyway, by all accounts, the new management has introduced a new kind of 'Threadbare' to the venue. Lets hope that it isn't going to be a regular thing, just incase it catches on in the village.

Can you just see the Trumpton Firemen

[dgraves]

Is it right that a scatter o' halfs any time o' the day can cure the skeechness and the boonyach?
Please advise Dr Snoddy MD, OBE, BO.

I'm not so sure that I could safely advise you to go down this road, at least not on an ongoing basis.

I Recently diagnosed one or was it two of my patients with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

I would have never have known a damn thing about it, but for the fact that Lady Snoddy had captured the whole sorry episode on her video camera. I'm not sure who he was now, but I seemed to appear in some parts of the video!

Dr. Snoddy, you may need to reestablish new clinic hours, maybe part-time ...I know that you are retired, but a concerned citizen has been out photographing others in dire need of your help!!! These poor souls are overwhelming the present staff.



Some might come to slight misunderstandings with the town employees..

[Iron Brew]

I cdnoltblviee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

[bubbly jock]

that I was marching like a peacock up to the games field in August,

.And where did the wife find you? Trying it on wae my cousins who are fetherless since the US navy pulled oot. Your naw as squeaky clean as you try to make oot

bubbly